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  • Writer's pictureKaren Divya Shekar

Don’t “Move on” without God

I came out of hell slowly. It was a 12-month slow process of understanding that it wasn’t Jesus it was the devil inside me. The realisation made me bitter, jaded, and turned me into a complete wreck on the inside.

I didn’t want anything to do with God. I abhorred him. I also wanted to move on without him.

But there isn’t very far that a mere human being can go if he turns his back on God. After all, the Universe offers us two choices, not three. It is either our way or God’s way.

As I was recovering, I swore in my heart that although I would still formally obey God and worship him, my heart, I would keep to myself. Isn’t that the same as rejecting God, asked one of my tuition kids. It is, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I only hope God was gracious enough to respect my decision.

So that’s how I lived these past months. Work was my saviour. Every second I spent at work, my mind was focussed elsewhere. And every free moment, I cried on the inside. But I knew I couldn’t go on like this forever. Something had to give.

I slowly came to the conclusion that without the Holy Spirit there is no life. Neither will you know where to go nor how to live. Without that guidance you are as good as lost. But this time with no way of knowing which was God’s leading, I decided to rely on myself alone. I had no other choice.

We shut everybody out when it gets too overwhelming and that isn’t a bad thing. We have every right to choose who we want to give our hearts to. And we get to choose who we want to love. I thank God for that freedom.

As I grew up I learnt to shut people out of my life when they exhibited behaviour I couldn’t put up with. Somewhere along the way we all learn to build walls. And no matter what anyone says, I believe walls are there for a purpose. Keep them. While it’s up to you whether you chose to give everyone the best version of yourself or not, personally I find that I like to keep people at an arm’s length. Love at a distance. A bit like radiation!

Growing up, I also learnt to rely heavily on myself. I never spoke about my problems to anyone. I turned to myself to get me out of any trouble. There were times I prayed. But I never really expected God to move mountains on my behalf. But all that changed once I graduated from school. I went to God because I wanted him to do something about my career. Unfortunately, I’m back to square one now. I am the person I can trust. I am the person I can rely on.

So why am I telling you not to move on without God?

It’s because my head knows what my heart refuses to believe. There is one will for our life. And it is good. And it happens to be God’s. Better to believe that and live according to it, than to miss out on the whole purpose of life.

So, no matter what pain you have gone through, and however much you may be mangled on the inside, remember hell is far worse. So bite through your pain and trust God.

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